~Spit Sip~

Desert Spider's Song

2012-01-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

Upon my return to the southern swampland

I realized I had taken a home

The plant was new to me and gorgeous

and I selfishly stole for a mere memory

I wanted the desert with me always

I never wanted to forget

The pictures in my mind of the beauty,

the splendor

the freshness of the crisp air

the mountains' energy

It just wasn't enough for me

For my mind's pictures are often tainted

with black smudgy fingerprints that belong to someone else

Warped and blended with past, present and unknown futures

that may or may not affect what I see

what I hear

what I feel

who I am

I took and demanded

I don't even remember asking the universe

if it would be ok

That's something I normally would have done

with more time

to think

to focus

to heal

But I rushed and took and was careless

Careless not in the way that is safe

careless because it is how I'm being taught to behave

I discovered a living thing

a creature

a tiny desert spider

alive and well in his home

How did he survive for all of those days locked in a

plastic zip lock bag, still clutching on to the small branch,

his home?

I will never know

But he made it

He seemed calm and peaceful

and not upset at me or anything

Just living in the plant that was his home

He probably took no notice to any changes

He just knew he was safe because his branch was there

The tiny pod he slept in was still there and he probably figured

he'd figure out what was going on later

That's how a lot of us are

as long as we're happy we'll figure the rest out later

And I envy to be that way always as well

I was sad to discover the spider

I was sad I had ripped his home from it's land

So I made amends with the universe,

apologized to the spider

And set the bag out open hoping he'd learn how to adapt and survive

in this new environment

this humid land

Florida

where negativity seems to abound everywhere

no matter where you try to hide

I awoke in the morning

to check on my spider friend

He was dead

Clutching on to his home in the corner of the bag

I believe the air just killed him

He never had a chance

So he stayed home

Safe in the bag

Safe in his pod

And probably crawled out to see the sunrise one last time

In this new place

He was alone in the branch when I took him

And I imagine he was an old spider and was happier to have been alone

when he passed

I lament now

not for his life

for I truly believe he is happy now

and was happy to have gone on such a big journey

and will hold no hard feelings toward me

I lament and cry for me

and am thankful to this spider

this living creature

for reminding me

See how easily we can ignore living things

for our own mere enjoyment and amusement

for our precious and fragile minds that forever seem to forget?

And then see how we are reminded

when a life is lost

how way more precious that is

than any moment we may have missed out on because

we were so careless?

It's never what we are doing really

it's who we do them with

that make them so special and memorable

I do not want to forget

ever, ever

never again

And it starts in my heart

for I feel it tingling

The voice is clear and speaks to my foggy brain

in a language only I can understand

I choose to share with some

and keep the rest to me

Never out of fear or doubt

but for love

Love and respect of myself and all I hold dear to me

Small and large visions and treasures

That I feel all should see

Sooner or later or eventually

When stars align and songbirds sing

when tears turn to laughter

when storms pass

when a soft wind touches your being

and not just your face or hair

Now

The best time to appreciate all and everything

is always, always, always right now

Moonlight

2011-06-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

I know you're watching

Just as I am

I can feel it

You look up often

Just as I do

I know it

You are dressed in moonlight

And I dance under you

Waiting patiently

For you to reach out

So I can take your hand

Because my heart,

You already have.

Didn't Sleep Much

2011-06-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

It’s ok though.

I did get almost 4 hours I think.

That’s usually enough for me to semi function.

Today’s like early this am when I last blogged.

Everything feels dream-like but I do have what I was reading about in my head before I went to sleep right now.

Right when I started feeling those “strange” (~~what I’m kinda always assuming are~~) migraine-y feelings I googled “writers and epilepsy” and came across some very interesting things.

(Why I chose to do this right then I don’t know.)

I always knew that Lewis Carroll had epilepsy but I didn’t know that Poe, Tennyson and even Van Gogh were believed to have had it too.

It made me think about how everything I had ever learned about them and their lives was always attached to the notion that they all were just “crazy” or “alcoholics”. Teachers throughout my life have even used phrases as strong as “this guy was off their nut” to describe certain behaviors these artists had and certain things that they did throughout their lives.

Well, my research not only spawned feelings of slight anger and annoyance over this but also led me to learn more about a condition known as Hypergraphia.

Hypergrafphia is the compulsive urge to write. It is not a disorder. It is actually associated with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and Bipolar Disorder.

I usually see these two actual disorders in articles and they always relate to each other.

Now, back when I was a teenager and being diagnosed with “possible Bipolar Disorder” or “possible Clinical Depression” (I didn’t stick around long enough for them to decide which medications were going to work to make the decision of what was actually wrong with me but that’s another blog) I almost wonder if some of the things that were occurring weren’t early symptoms of this epilepsy. (I started to read a lot of Sylvia Plath during this time and I could relate to a lot of the feelings she had and I really thought I was just “going mad” and wanted to fix it.)

In the two years that I actually spent under many different doctors’ care and trying different anti seizure medications after my first “known” seizure at 25 I still couldn’t get a positive answer as to what they believed to be causing these seizures in the first place.

Some were saying I had some “slight abnormality on my temporal lobe that could be a possible mini stroke”. (I believe that I did have this mini stroke just because of symptoms that occurred and the timing of MRIs when they found it.) However, as to it being the cause of the migraines which (some doctors believe) is the cause of the epilepsy no one was absolutely SURE when they said ANYTHING about it. It was always “possible” and “we think”. (So perhaps I shouldn’t have used the word “belief”…but you get the picture.)

So, yeah as to the cause of any epilepsy in the first place, medical and neuro-science seems to know how seizures occur they just aren’t sure WHY so much to call it epilepsy. (Kids can have seizures due to high fevers…other conditions can cause seizures…it’s the frequency and the type that constitute it as being epilepsy. I can’t quote this but based on what I’ve read I’m thinking that there are other things that mimic epilepsy as well…more research is required for that.)

But, back to Hypergraphia.

This doesn’t just mean “oh, I like to write” or “writing is my passion” or “I live to write”.

It’s seriously an obsessive compulsion.

(And after reading more extensively about it I’ve actually known some people who I believed truly had to deal with this and I have even dealt with it at a time in my life which I will share with you now.)

Since I was 6 years old and realized that I had the ability to come up with a good story and could write it down I knew that it was something I’d do for the rest of my life.

I was an avid reader ever since I learned how as well and I admired certain authors and wanted to be “just like them” even at a young age.

I wanted to do it for a living someday (even though my career choices could change daily…I’m a true Gemini…I’m into a lot of things as my tumblr will reflect).

I still love to write even though I have taken hiatuses that can last up to two years from really doing any “serious” writing but even during those times I would always have a journal entry here and there just talking about what’s been going on in my life.

But I didn’t have a compulsion to write it down and I definitely didn’t feel awful if I didn’t write something down. (Maybe slightly guilty at just being too lazy to get up and do it or too afraid to actually write something that could be awesome but never “having” to do it.)

However, when I had my Topamax-Trip (which if you’ve read personal blogs of mine before you have heard me mention this drug many times) I DID have seizures that I truly believe upon reflection and from what I read last night that gave me bouts of Hypergraphia.

I would seriously yell and scream if anyone tried to stop me from writing down EVERYTHING that was going on when it got really bad.

That’s usually the case in most instances of Hypergraphia. People who live with it seriously write down EVERYTHING and HAVE to.

Now, let’s think about this for a second.

A lot of creatives struggle with brain conditions such as epilepsy, bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses.

My senior project when I was in high school was ALL ABOUT the correlation between creativity and mental illnesses (the focus being depression) so I’ve always been interested in it because I believe this is something that is a huge part of me and I can relate to it.

I get very upset when people refer to my seizures as “freak outs”.

I get upset when people call people who are mentally ill “psychotic” in a derogatory way.

If you are doing ANYTHING because of a chemical imbalance or abnormality that occurs in your BRAIN that you AREN’T able to control you are not “having a freak out” you are sick and need help and support from those around you.

I cannot stress how important it is for people with any illness to have support from their family and those who call themselves friends.

This does not exclude those who are mentally ill.

So, Van Gogh wasn’t just “off his rocker”.

Poe did have an alcohol problem but because he most likely lacked support he became addicted to a vice he probably used to combat his illnesses.

(I know that alcohol helps numb my nerve pain a lot and I don’t abuse it but I know there are times when I take a shot to help me sleep.)

This is something I’m learning more about every day too.

SO many stories of drug addicts who became addicted to their pain pills because they have (or had) LEGIT pain due to an illness or injury and this NEEDS to be treated differently than someone who just fell into experimenting and it got out of control.

YOU CAN BECOME PHYSICALLY ADDICTED TO PSYCHE AND ANTI SEIZURE MEDICATIONS.

I CANNOT make that any bolder.

I experienced withdrawal and SO many other things on different anti seizure medications (all of which are used to treat other mental illnesses as well) when having to stop them and up their dosages or lower their dosages or WHATEVER.

I am not saying that these medications aren’t designed to help because they ARE.

However, seriously, seriously do your research on them and make sure you fully understand what they are affecting in your body.

I’m always so surprised to find out things when I actually take the time to look into them and I believe if DOCTORS did this more then patients would have a better quality of life.

Doctors need to treat PEOPLE not diseases and to know that everyBODY is different and will react differently to different things.

(This is merely a patients’ perspective but I’m also speaking for everyone I know who has experienced similar feelings.)

Back to our writers, though: What if on a milder scale writing and other creative urges (that aren’t compulsive) possibly stem from mental illnesses like research and doctors and psychologists have already started to believe is so?

This could possibly mean that you are being given a gift along with your “curse”.

A talent through all of the tumultuous traumas you have to triumph over just to live a happy life.

And that’s kinda cool if you think about it that way.

So, all I was REALLY trying to say with this is that I’m starting to really feel that my epilepsy (and whatever else could possibly be going on in my brain that they haven’t figured out yet) can have a silver lining of giving me my ability to be able to express myself in different creative ways and especially in writing.

The only thing that truly holds me back when my physical limitations aren’t preventing me from being able to work on anything artistic is me and my fear of either not being good enough or being too afraid to really dig down deep and express something in me because it might hurt me to do it.

But I’m trying to change this.

I want to be great like Poe and all of the other writers and artists who were “off their nuts”.

And I can use epilepsy to my advantage because sometimes my migrained-out mind comes up with some AWESOME things.

I just have to DO IT.

So, to all my fellow “crazies” out there (Cuz “only a crazy can call another crazy crazy”, right? ;) ) if you have some creative urge I urge YOU to act on it.

Don’t be afraid to express yourself and surrender to that because it’s something that you may be able to do so well BECAUSE of your “craziness”.

And always know that it’s ok to make light of it (like I am right now) but also important to know that you AREN’T crazy…you are sick and you can’t control it.

But on the positive side, you can do something that maybe someone who’s super healthy and athletic can’t.

You can tap into these parts of your mind and express it with the hopes of connecting to the inner human emotion to inspire others and relate to them.

That’s a beautiful thing. :)

Well, that was fun.

I hope you enjoyed this blog from “Migraine Land”.

I’m glad I allowed you into my dream this morning because I really think this blog post might reach out to other creatives or epileptics or people struggling with mental illnesses and allow them to see some rainbow through the rain.

It’s why I do what I do.

Helping you helps me.

Now, I think I should go lay back down and try to rest this off.

We’ll see how my pain holds up though because that darn kink in my shoulder’s starting to flare up again. Ugh.

I love you all.

Thank you for reading and have an awesome Monday!

It Never Lasts Long

2011-06-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'll never understand

how each smile

you put on my face

can be quickly replaced

by your harsh criticisms

and sudden cynicism

As if seeing me happy

causes you fear

What makes you more

uncomfortable?

My laughter or my tears?

You hate every single

thing that brings me joy

I often feel like a

neglected toy

I sit on your prized shelf

and feel proud of myself

Because your eyes on me

is ecstasy

But when you start speaking

it feels like you're seeking

the easiest way to make me cry

the simplest way to make me want to die

You twist my dreams into fragments of nothing

you kick me when I'm down and claim that it's loving

I am your fragile porcelain doll

When I shatter to pieces

Your hand will have caused the fall

Lovers are Lovelier in the Spring

2011-06-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

Wrap me in flowers that don't make me sneeze,

and carry me on clouds strong enough to hold me

Tickle my ear with sweet songs of spring,

and tell me every single one of your best stories

Picnic with me on some grassy knoll in some park,

and make sure it's someplace far, far away.

Kiss me so tenderly and with such intent,

and help me see fireworks when I close my eyes this way.

Remember to pack an umbrella, my love,

and let's run for cover together as fast as we can.

Rain inspiration all around me as we dance in the drops,

and wait for the sun to say hello again.

Good Catch

2011-06-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

I endeavor to meet with you again

It really doesn't matter when

You caught me on a hook with just one line

You weren't even fishing; just getting tangled with mine

It's what I always seem to do

I get caught up when people are too good to be true

When they aren't afraid of who they are

And share themselves no matter how bizarre

You're someone I aspire to be

And that can often mean the world to me

This sometimes makes me more delicate

And makes some words feel like they are hard to forget

But don't be put off, I'm just as you

Searching this planet for connections, too

And when we speak again someday

I won't be shy or look away

I'll muster all my courage and not appear trite

And thank you for what you gave me that night

It was a glimpse into your very soul

And I can only hope to repay in full

Aura

2011-06-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

This is not a test.

It's quite the emergency.

At least that's how I'M

interpreting it.

Right.

Now.

Cameras flash

like paparazzi...

(am I still the star?)

Blackness fills.

I lay still.

(“oh darling, there you are...”)

You recount in horror,

and I'm so confused.

Lost.

One blink and the clock changed too soon.

How quickly evenings become afternoons.

Stop.

Breathe.

Try to remember.

It used to be easy to just surrender.

Sentiment

2011-06-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

You're a cluster of creative increments

I swear you must be heaven-sent

This was meant to be a sentiment

written hastily and with regret

that I didn't get a note from you

or a simple nod or “how do you do?”

But I'm thinking of you

I'm your dream fantasy grandeur delusion

I swear I cause mass confusion

This was meant to be a last attempt

written on these pages so unkempt

to let you know how I feel for you

or in other words: “the honest truth”

But do you feel it too?

Wrapped in Paleness: A Conversation

2010-12-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

I sit

conversing

with the trees and

the night frogs

for they truly

answer back.

I think

of the good

times mixed with

bad and how acceptance

has taught me that

both are what

life is.

I imagine

you and I

on clouds

floating through

stormy weather

and overcoming

every time.

I see how the

moon wraps the

sky in a color

only close to that

of paleness.

But I feel

only brightness

like your smile

in the summer

when the breeze

warms but in

a good way.

I wish

you were here

to share this

moment of pure

infinity

and being

and

I'll dream

of you tonight

as my eyes close

in restful peace.

"Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky..."

2010-10-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.

I promised some poetry or something.

But I couldn't keep that promise.

When it flows it flows.

And when it doesn't.

Well, you know.

***

I miss fall colors.

They should be universal.

***

There hasn't been too much to update on.

I've been resting a lot because I can't seem to have a full good day lately.

The Tampa Bay PKD Walk was on Saturday and I was so glad my mom, dad and Grandpa came out along with Mike of course.

We raised $135 and I got my PKD walk tee shirt so I was happy.

It was catered by a barbecue place and I stuffed myself with pulled pork.

My family and I got interviewed by CBS radio and it will air here in Tampa on Sunday morning.

I'm glad old friends are coming back into the picture because I've missed them.

Fall is the time for porch chilling and the person who I've chilled on porches the most with is Brooke.

Plus she appreciates pumpkin spice milkshakes from McDonald's as much as I do.

***

I feel a lot of love around today.

That's never a bad thing.

So I say spread it around.

Like butter.

***

Last but not least, today the Tampa Bay Rays need to win their game against the Rangers.

They came back after being down 2-0 and well, I don't think any other team has come back from that other than the Yankees in awhile.

We're a good team. We can do it.

We just need hits because Lee is a crazy good pitcher.

And Price has to be on his game too of course.

Oh, October.

Too much excitement for one Jenn Neal.

Post-season baseball.

Hockey.

Basketball.

Halloween. (By the way, I'm going to be Grizabella from Cats for this Halloween party on the 30th...can't wait.)

Alrighty, I'm off to twiddle my thumbs until the game tonight.

Peace.

P.S.- Doesn't Kansas rock?

Some Musings on Autumn

2010-10-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

The internet is out. That's not why I'm writing though. It may be the motivation I needed to finally write but thoughts have (as per usual) been spinning around my head these days.

I long to mold them into something creative but seem to be lacking in that department of my brain at this time. I no longer feel guilty or beat myself up over this. I have learned that I will write when I am supposed to. After all, I do it for me.

The reason for these thoughts, these feelings I should say--like electricity that you can breathe with every wisp of fresh air--is the change in season. Cool weather has arrived early here in Sunny Florida and even though no one knows how long it will last I'm soaking up everything it has to offer.

I haven't been very mobile recently due to pain but today I walked a bit around Sims Park and it felt marvelous. Just sitting and looking at the trees, hearing children play, watching ripples in the water, seeing the sun cast shadows through branches and being in the moment: right where I needed to be.

For the past month I've been in what a friend of mine would call "the dark place". Some call it "emo". Some call it "depression". Some call it "a case of the blues". Whatever it is for you, you know what space deep inside yourself that I'm talking about.

This time around (because life is full of ups and downs...look around...we're ALL Bi-Polar) I learned that it's ok to allow yourself to enter that dark place and often times it is necessary to your well-being. Denying yourself an opportunity to let something(s) go is only going to make it worse the second time around.

Now that I'm crawling toward the light above this dark space, I'm getting that "familiar fall feeling" again. So many memories come back to me that I feel I've had a million autumns in my lifetime.

Back when raking leaves was fun because there was nothing that could compare to the feeling of jumping into the huge piles of them. Trick or Treating with the cousins on Halloween. Windbreakers, hot apple cider and hay rides. The good ole days. Simple joys.

Growing up, Fall always became a time of change. A new year of high school. A new group of friends. A new crush.

Eventually love.

Falling in love in Autumn is like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm so lucky that it was the person who life brought me back to again years later. Today's walk in the park was the first of this year's Autumn memories for us and with more future fun events coming up I know there will be more.

So I'm feeling creative these days and I hope to produce some poems. I've got Ted and Sylvia reading to me before bedtime to inspire my dreams. (Although last night I had a terrible nightmare about all of my friends and family trying to kill me. It was awful. I managed to escape them but ended up in a room with only my boyfriend and he had a huge knife ready to plunge down into me. I feel it may be my subconscious feeling of being a burden to my family and friends and that they feel I'd be "better off dead." That's next on my list of things to work on!)

Such a morbid ending. Happy Halloween!

P.S.- I promise poems and better things to read other than my randomness coming soon!

The Best Worst Love

2010-09-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

We're here, once again.

Life long friend.

Lover, protector,

forever caretaker.

Neither one of us

can seem to

let go.

I love you at best

I hate you at worst

in sticky notes

all over the place.

And still, I avoid your face.

The crying

The blame

The guilt

and the shame.

You're the one

who caused this.

You're the one

who ran.

You're the one

that started it

Can't you be

a man?

You're the one!

And he still sighs,

"You're the one."

Inhale slowly.

Your face is a mirror

and inside I see

The deepest, darkest worst

part of me

But your hand is always there

Your smile eases pain

You show me the deepest care

You're my sun through all the rain.

I'm lost right now,

This is true

But getting lost always

leads me back to you.

Because when you're

not with me I miss you.

The truth is

that I'll miss you.

Fairy Godmother

2010-09-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Fairy Godmother

Granting wishes with her smile

New ray of sunshine

Feather in your hair

Twirling, spinning around stars

Catch me, I'm falling

Drumbeats sound in a

deep, true rhythm that takes me

to infinity.

Backed Into a Corner/Expect

2010-08-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

Shooting stars

Synchronized sighs

All we do is take turns backing each other into corners

Sweetness flows from his mouth like honey

I can't tell if what I'm hearing is a dream or not

And this really is all too familiar

But "Let's just be friends" like dawn crashing the cosmos' party ruins it all, you fool

By not wanting to lose me, you're going to get lost

By not wanting to hurt me, we're only going to get hurt

I can wait, undecided butterfly

I will perfect my skills at catching

I will check my net for gaps

I will be here

And you will always be fluttering in the background

***

The only thing you

can expect is to expect

the unexpected

The Gale

2010-08-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

This rainstorm looks like a gale

And I am on the deck of my ship

staring out into all of the greyness

but I remain dry on my covered front porch

taking in the anger of the town

There is a hint of drug use in this town

Wondering what the purpose behind "laying on the horn" is

Remembering how I once succumbed to its nonsense in a near-death experience

a careless driver caused me once

A couple starts fighting in the parking lot

of the convenience store across the street

just to prove my point

I start thinking about walking around with my childhood friends in the rain

I had a fear of manhole covers

I never walked over them

Sewers, we called them

"Why?" One of them asked

He always thought he was so smart

I said, shyly and awkwardly,

"Well, I uh-heard there was electricity down there..."

"There's just water! Water and electricity don't mix! The whole world would blow up!"

I accepted it

Now, at 27 I stare at the power lines dripping with water...

The world was slowly blowing up

Maybe there was electricity running beneath us

and not quite enough water to put out our own fires

That's why I prefer to keep my ship docked these days

Safe in the harbor

For sea-worthy, I am not

Take the Red Pill

2010-08-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

It's a meat puppet game/they're playing/with my head/my brain/my feelings/but I must not surrender my soul/Horse pills/red pills/don't forget to take your pills/don't hurt yourself/Do you feel like hurting yourself?/Any side effects?Dizziness/nausea /inducing while ingesting/My hands shaking/I'm not eating/My clothes aren't fitting/ "I'm not trying to say you're fat but...you're definitely not skinny anymore"/eat more this/don't eat that/forget what I just said because things have changed/take more blood/blow more veins/Does it hurt?/This might hurt/Tell me if it hurts/Lost/Brave/ Strong but fading/candle wick burning low/it's almost dawn/where has sleep gone?/I think this may be a vicious nightmare/a torturous punishment for an old crime/but it is not/It's too real/Just too real

Said She, Medusa and It's Feeling Like August

2010-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Said She

I have two new boys

One likes long hair, one likes short

So what do I do?

***

Medusa

"She has long nails," I heard my mother's voice

A soft rustle; sigh

"She's never been able to keep long nails."

It was like a coma

but I knew I could open my eyelids

if only they weren't so

heavy

heady

oh, yes

I was a Medusa

hair replaced by wires hooked up to machines

(they sucked the life out of me)

trying to find, yes, trying to find

the source

the spark

of my shocks

And who was looking down on me but me?

Alongside the others

surrounding the bedside

Sooner or later,

I can scarcely remember

everything faded to black

***

It's Feeling Like August

It's feeling like August

With the hot wind blowing

And the girls fixing their wind-blown hair

And the summer of self discovery

Would soon end in a distant reverie

And there is still some more stuff to get through

And she sits and she stares

And she stumbles up the stairs

And she never knows just what to do

And the time always passes

When she wears her dark glasses

They always make the sky look so blue

And soon it will be Autumn

With the cool winds blowing

And the girls will all tie their hair back

Summers never last forever

He really meant never

She'll soon find someone that's new

And she starts on a binge

Cuts her hair into a fringe

And gazing at the looking glass whispers, "How do you do?"

Then her soul starts bawling

As the leaves start falling

August never seemed so blue

All the Wrong Places

2010-08-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

Waiting in the wings

Or in the back of the show

A different color each time

on her toes

Smoking cheap cigarettes

Or bumming classy brands

A different bar every time

but still the same old bands

Winking at the bartenders

Or making out in bathroom stalls

Noticing how clever this time

the graffiti is on the walls

Stumbling out before last call

Or early to bed some drone

Still thinking all the time

how she truly is alone

Don't

2010-08-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

don't fall into the old traps

keep your hopes focused on those couples

the ones who hold hands in their sleep,

in the park, or secretly under a table at

dinner

don't drown your tears in tequila

remember you are a goddess

worthy of appreciation

and that you know how to honor gods

with the same devotion and with great

submission

don't walk too far off of that edge

just peer over occasionally

to remind you

that once you leap you can never come

back; he will be there to hold you back

lovingly

alone alone alone

2010-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

music with headphones

pretty pink flip flops

alone alone alone

falling forward to nowhere

endlessly

no need to open your eyes

there's not much to see

just float and float on

alone alone alone

Twist of Fates

2010-08-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Dear twist of fates,

Take hold of my fragile (but not too fragile) being

guide it towards the path of being

not thinking of what I want to be

where I want to go

what I want to do

but just to be

whatever it is I am to be

Dear twist of fates,

Do not allow those kisses from last night

that still linger all over me

become bleeding wounds that take

way too long to heal

Dear twist of fates,

Forbid me to look upon him

whether in jealousy or envy

madness and anger

nor in unreciprocated adoration

But allow only in wonder and amazement

be my gazes

Sweet twist of fates,

I surrender

Fearful and trembling,

I surrender

Wish You Were Here

2010-08-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

I think I know why my old friend used to flip out so much.

He was a big Lou Reed fan.

I remember one night at Hudson Beach in particular.

On the ride over he got upset over the lyrics to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'".

"Lies. All lies. Working to get their fill...that's not true. Everyone wants the thrill for free."

I sighed, knowing it would be one of those nights and focused on the road ahead and the stars above me at the same time.

It was clear out for once and not too hot.

I was wearing a light sweater and I knew the sound of some waves would be inspiring.

There is something terribly dangerous about the creatives roaming around at nightfall.

Especially at beautiful places like a beach.

My friend and I were would-be poets.

I chose spiral notebooks as my easel to scrawl my finger-paint project prose.

He chose coffee shop napkins and margins of philosophy and "Great Quote" collection books to compose couplets.

Or observations of wherever he was at.

He told me a story once about how he and a conspiracy theorist friend of his spent an evening flicking off satellites.

Paranoia was a personality trait of my friend.

You either dealt with it or you didn't.

And it never got too out of hand.

Well, occasionally.

Hence, this story.

It's hard for me to listen to my male friends complain about loneliness.

One of three things are destined to happen.

I think, "Well, I'm single too..." (If that be true.) "So...what if we were to date?"

A dozen reasons on why that's such a bad idea then quickly crush that.

The other scenario would be that he is the one with the thought and then there's the awkwardness of the moment before someone/both decides to do something or nothing and pray for non rejection.

On this night I just felt bad.

That's what happens thirdly.

Usually if I know they're a good guy and could probably find someone.

I believe there is someone for everyone out there.

Maybe multiples.

I give the stale advice, "You'll find her eventually."

He starts to go on a tirade about women then and what they do and previous life stories of how they've tempted him and tore him to pieces.

Some of what he spouted off made me cringe.

Then he asks me if I've heard much of Lou Reed.

"I don't believe so, no." I said. I had heard some. Not enough to recognize but I wanted him to switch topics.

"Harry's circumcision," he said staring off distantly over the gulf.

"Excuse me?" I coughed hiding the chuckle that wanted to escape.

"There's a song called 'Harry's Circumcision...listen to it. You'll understand what I mean."

"Well," I inquired. "What's it about?"

I asked for another sandstorm that I didn't expect.

This time his voice grew louder as he explained to me, in despair, how unfair it was that he was robbed of a piece of his manhood and that they (whoever they were) were still allowed to do this and how awful it was and he had no choice in the matter.

How I was supposed to understand that, I didn't know so I tried the soothing approach.

"Hey, hey man...it's cool," was all I could offer.

He seemed to get frustrated and after a moment screamed out to the stars, "I WANT IT BAAAAAACKKK!"

I shushed him quietly and before I could even figure out what was happening he was off and running.

Where he was going, I don't know but my instincts told me to follow.

I'm short. I can't run very fast but I was doing a good job of keeping up.

I kept screaming his name but he wasn't stopping.

We didn't run for long.

Not even halfway across the small beach but the both of us were gasping for air.

The cool winds whipped my hair around my face as we were closer to the water now.

The waves crashed onto shore forcing us to scream now.

"What is wrong with you!?" My eyes had to be as wide as the sky.

"I'm sorry!"

"You freaked out on me, man!"

"I know! I know! I'm sorry!"

He motioned for me to follow him back to the car.

"You alright?" I asked before we got in.

"Yeah. Thanks for the ride to the beach. I feel better now."

"Really?" I didn't know whether to believe him or not.

He was shuffling around his backpack.

The one he's always carrying with him.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry again." He patted my head and gave me the smile.

This middle aged man with his acid torn brain who still had the sparkle of naivety and innocence in his eyes was patting my head in reassurance and I felt like I needed to lead him by the hand straight to someone who could take better care of him than I could because I was his terrible, terrible mother even though I was much younger.

It seemed backwards.

"Here, put this on. Please."

He handed me a CD.

I popped it in asking "What is it?"

"Lou Reed. I think you'll love it..."

(for my dear friend Nick, wherever you are)

Beach Days

2010-08-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Beach days at least three times a week during the summers with my friends

Unsupervised

True freedom after waiting so long

We wondered if the lifeguards noticed us

If anyone noticed us

If our brand new Target bikinis fit in with the older girls

Staring at the sky and feeling our skin bake as the sun beat down on us like a god infusing us with a power that would make us feel more attractive

And how quickly the sun would be doused by a cloud on overcast days

Whether on water or sand you noticed and grew colder as your vision adjusted to the change even though no temperature drop occured

Your face would settle back in from squinting

Running to the water

Crystal clear spring always refreshing because it was always freezing compared to the air

The clouds part and the sun returns and we dance

Budding mermaids in a glittering sea of sacrifice

Being Startled by My Roommate

2010-08-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

Deep in thought I was startled by my roommate today

I was coming in from the back porch and realized I left my lighter out there and looking back I think that it was only a lighter and why was I so concerned with it anyway?

I saw his shirt first as green as well...that lighter and then the fact that he was waving at me in slow motion before the features of his face even came into view

The eyes first, then the hair

(And was it really slow motion?)

I saw his eyes widen and felt my mouth open in an expression of terror and wondered how I looked to him and vice versa

and if we were almost reflections of each other

If fear is that quick to catch on to

If it's the fact that others are scared that really makes us so scared

If...if...

I was having a heart attack!

No!

My heart was stopped...I was going to die...

Exhale

An exclamation of surprise finds its way out of my throat and thank goodness because it's a survival mechanism that has served its purpose

My roommate starts explaining how he was trying not to frighten me

At the same time I'm babbling about how frightened I was

"One of three things could have been a possibility..." I say catching my gasp

"Me?"

"That I was going crazy..."

"Like seeing things?"

"That it was a ghost visiting...a full on apparition"

"The landlord?"

I said no more

"Wow...you're pretty vivid," he finally said blankly

He didn't say insane

So I just took it as a compliment

"Yeah, we've all got problems..."

2010-08-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

Vagina Problems

When my girl friend visits

We talk about how silly everyone is

Sometimes we realize how silly we are

Vagina problems

Men

Marriage, babies, death

We can't tell which one we want to avoid the most

And we laugh because maybe these three instances feel the same

It is laughter that saves us

The mischievous giggling wafting into the night

Like witches we cackle to the open-minded moon

Casting love spells so that she may deliver perfectly our messages

to those men who don't seem to exist

We know that love and security just aren't enough

For we see the magic in between

(Inspired by Meg)

Uninterested

I act uninterested

when your name

comes up

I turn my head

to hide whatever

shadow may

have fallen

on my face

Poetry Group

2010-08-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

On a sticky night in August I checked out this poetry reading at a local coffeehouse

There was this one girl with a lot of dangly fake silver bracelets and a fake smile to match

with a binder full of rhyming poems about how much she loved her boyfriend, how sad it was

when they broke up and how the rain made her feel both happy and sad

All of the pages were so bright and cheerful or dark and grey depending on the topic

There was a middle aged woman who wrote little stories for her children with quirky

characters with drawings to match

Her voice was whimsical and brought a laugh to my heart

There were two old men with old notebooks and a separate pair of prescription glasses

for reading

One told us about his life, his wife and the search for a truth he believe no longer existed

The other about birds, and nothing more

A gentleman around my age carried a leatherbound journal and was trying too hard to be

Charles Bukowski

A girl barely 18 to his left with too much eyeliner told us she wanted to kill herself every day

but that she was so afraid of everything and that scared her the most

There were odes and sonnets and rhyming and no rhyming and free flow verse and haiku

with a little bit of banter in between to make it all go down smoother

It was my turn

I had nothing

No notebook, journal or binder could contain what I would have to say

There is not enough paper in the world upon which to fill my thoughts

Most importantly, there was not enough courage in the world to be given to me

to share as these have

My silence was my pledge for mercy

My listening eyes as they read was establishing my role there

But no one noticed

And walking back out into the sticky night I felt a cool, refreshing breeze of relief

The Same

2010-08-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, but that my voice would fall upon ears that not only listened

but reverberated with joy and ecstasy like that of a man struck deaf

by the last soothing symphony he ever heard in his life

That my lips be devoured like a last meal

That my breath be taken and never given back

Oh, how my body longs to align like stars with another's

How my eyes wish they held something memorable

and worth seeing

Yet I am closed out

Laughed at

Weak

Or an object

Every story ends the same

Oh, That Reminds Me

2010-08-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I like better than being high and listening to good music and playing with a piece of string you have randomly sitting on your desk/It reminds me of how I'm almost finished reading the book "Cat's Cradle" by that Vonnegut fellow that I started three years ago/I want to pick it up again but even those few pages in that one particular book are too much right now/I don't know what day it is and that reminds me of the time I went to Vegas and because there were no windows in any casinos you never knew if the world even existed outside of the walls of the buildings anymore/That reminds me of how I haven't left the house in a good while and I'm not too sure anyone's noticed/That reminds me that I've been thinking a lot about why I'm still here/That reminds me that I am still here and that I have a life to live even if I'm not sure if I know what it's really "all about"/That reminds me that it annoys me when people think they know what everything is "all about"/I will never be "all about" it/The next song plays and I am reminded of that one time I was stoned and sitting in my room, listening to good music and wondering where that string came from.

Tea and a haiku

2010-08-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

There are no playground

words for you: no innocent

insults in your game

The Last I Heard

2010-08-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

The last I heard from him was a click

Not a sharp one, mind you

A soft delicate pin-prick

dead center

that slowly bleeds me dry

He is an eyelash forever stuck in my pupil

Blinding my view and causing me to tear

But the raindrops are wasted for he

doesn't deserve a one of them

This place, this space, his half-smiling face

I kick and scream at it in despair

Night crawls, stars fall

And I wish on none

For I am so very done

Dragon Lady

2010-08-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

The scent hits you first

crushed velvet rose petals with a hint

of vanilla

a delicate balance of

sinister

and sweet

The eyes stop you

dead in your tracks

piercing and blinking

almost darting

yet straightforward

all at the same time

They are near violet

for their blue is too

deep to even be

colored oceanic

Then comes the first step

towards you

towards who

or right to the corner

to hide in the darkness alone

Then you can feel her

dizzying and draining

and all you can see

and all you can feel

are twisted black dragons

and fire

And smoke clears as she

shyly comes through the door

2010-08-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

It starts out slowly

like the drizzle

before a big storm

the kind with the

flashing of lights

so bright

they're blinding

and the booms of thunder

so deafening

you think your heart

may stop.

Suddenly it's a windstorm

of emotions and

preconceived notions

and I feel trapped

by your eyes and

in your arms.

To escape could mean

that I'm once again

running away

from all that is good.

Or it could mean

that I am dodging

a future bullet that

this time I may

not survive.

I walk a tight rope

swaying this way

and that.

This way is fearful

and trembling

and makes me

cry and unable

to breathe.

I fall that way

I fall in

and get the rush

of jumping, diving, rushing

completely in

And what am I afraid of?

I don't know

Disability

2010-08-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

I do my best not

to complain

and I don't feign

pain just to

gain anything

from you.

From last night

2010-08-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

my nails looked like shit

but I liked them that way

all trashy-lookin' and chipped

I was picking at them

when I noticed you

out of the corner of my eye

watching me

yet keeping safe distance

I settle my heart

sigh

straw stirring

your lips hardly ever form smiles

next to you I am so small

a bit of ash on the floor below you

and even if you sweep me away

at least you'll have noticed me

Emode

2010-08-01T02:32:00.000-07:00

Get it?

Like "emo mode"?

I think it's funny.

So, I've been thinking a lot today.

Crying a lot today.

Journaling a lot today.

I don't publicize details anymore.

I stopped that back when I quit Blurty.

And even on the Windwood and other Myspace blogs I never gave too much away.

No one really cares about what dramas you got going on anyway.

I know I typically don't care unless they're a close friend of mine and it's something really serious.

Then again, even the not so serious stuff ("this guy/girl did this to me" "she/he said this, can you believe it?") I'll still lend an ear for and offer a bit of advice if I can.

Usually it involves something along the lines of: It sucks. I know. But it'll pass. Trust me.

Ahh, advice.

It's so easy to give but so hard to take.

I've been hearing it all day.

"It'll pass."

"It's ok."

"Aww, don't be upset."

Maybe it won't pass?

No, it's not ok.

And I'm upset.

I have a pretty good reason.

And I would advise anyone else to get out whatever they need to get out (safely) however they need to get it out.

For me, it's tears.

I'm killing trees today, ladies and gentlemen.

This box has a huge dent.

I'm noticing discussions on Facebook and the real world. (Yes, there still IS one!)

"Where are all the nice girls/guys?"

"I'm tired of games...etc."

*insert song lyric or status update that's totally aimed at YOU...yeah YOU*

(You know that passive aggressive stuff that the majority of us do just to see if the other person notices so that they know EXACTLY how you feel....yeah? *raises hand* Guilty.)

Lately I've been depressed by all of this because of situations in my life.

I am no longer with my boyfriend, Mike, anymore.

Everyone knows by now.

We have reasons.

We're best friends and it's not changing.

He's still the greatest guy ever even if he's not the greatest guy for me.

I feel guilty a lot.

I know I shouldn't.

He takes care of me....he picks me up off of the floor when I have seizures....he sits with me while I vomit....all that nasty "being sick" stuff that I go through on an almost daily basis, he's right there.

And I will forever be thankful and will never be able to repay him for as long as a live.

But the thing about Mike is...he doesn't WANT payment.

But anyways...I'm digressing.

Mike is just awesome.

You should all know.

:)

Depressing things:

1. I have a tendency to want what I can't have
2. I feel my sickness gets in the way of personal relationships and I really doubt I will ever find someone again
3. I feel I was played recently
4. I feel a friendship I value is ruined

(1,3 and 4 are related)

But the most depressing thing of all, probably, is that I constantly see "all the lonely people" complaining and saying terrible things about the opposite sex assuming that "they're all the same."

Situations may be the same.

What just happened to me recently is so close to soo many scenarios that have happened in the past but the only constant in them is me.

So, it must be me, right?

I can't figure out what it is though.

I don't want to be egotistical...but I think I'm pretty great.

I love myself. :)

I think that everyone should.

(Love themselves that is...loving me is awesome too...makes me sad when people don't like me...especially when they have no reason...but...that's another post.)

After I found out how serious my medical situation was and how things would change for me one of the decisions I made was that I would not get into a relationship ever again.

I didn't want to put someone through that.

I didn't want to tell a guy I met..."So, yeah...I can't drive, I'm in constant pain so sex is going to be pretty non existent, I'll seize out sporadically and I often drool on myself during that process...I can't have children, oh and yeah I kinda don't even have a job or a home anymore."

See what I mean?

The biggest thing is the child factor.

I'm not sure if I medically can or not.

I know I wouldn't.

My insides couldn't handle something else floating around in there.

PKD pregnancies have a high risk for complications for mother and child...plus that whole possibility of passing this horrid disease onto a child (a coin flip) just doesn't sit well with me. So, it's a choice.

Adoption? Sounds great, potential future life partner.

But you'll be able to run around and pick them up and take care of them too, right?

See what I mean?

Guys don't want to admit it, but the majority of them want a family someday.

The white picket fence and nice wife to cook and clean.

The whole bloody shebang.

And at a time in my life I wanted that more than you could possibly know.

But it won't happen.

And that sucks.

So...

I think the whole point of this was to just vent about how no matter how things go and who's meant to be with who and who's not the one thing I hold onto is hope.

Hope for everything.

That maybe someday there will be a guy who fits my bill and doesn't care about my situation.

That I'll get over the recent heartbreak in my life.

That they'll find a damn cure for this stuff.

And most of all, the hope that tomorrow will be there to enjoy.

I think about dipping out on this ride a lot.

But, nah.

The things I'd miss I value.

Friends.

Family.

Good music.

Chair dancing.

Etc.

Plus, who's blog would you read?

(lol)

Alright, I'm out.

In closing, I'd like to say that not all girls are the same just like all guys aren't the same.

Take chances.

No fear.

Follow your heart.

And all that jazz.

Oh, and when in doubt, just cry it out!

(It works for me.)

3

2010-07-22T02:03:00.000-07:00

I sat today and tried to write a note
telling you I'd like to slit your throat
if it would only take back all of those things you said
but then I realized I'd never live with you dead

I don't know what sleep is or what food tastes like anymore
since you came walking through my open door
giving me those precious looks with those deep eyes
it didn't take me long to realize

My only problem right now is you
And the constant nothings that you do
You suck me in then push me away
And things seem to change with every passing day

I never know what's going on now
I try to figure out exactly how
I allowed you to have this much over me
And to be the cause of such misery

3 times in your arms
3 shooting stars
3 wishes
3 kisses

When I see you again, will it be the same?
Will we continue this silly game?
Will you make up your mind?
Because a love like this is hard to find

I'm doing my best to back off and wait
I'm trying so hard not to irritate
My tears I've really grown to hate
And I can't stand that I still smile

every time that damn cell phone vibrates

Ahh, the time I fell in love with that one barista

2010-07-21T02:42:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some old stuff and came across this poem I had written about a Starbucks barista while I was working at Citrus Park mall.

The concierge booth I (wo)manned was right behind the kiosk and when we were slow I'd find myself just staring at him.

Pathetic, I know.

But he gave me free stuff.

AND even brought me tea when I was sick once.

*sigh*

But then there was this one day.

Valentine's Day of all days.

My STUPID self went and bought him some candy (because I had bought some for him for Easter...AND Christmas) in the shape of a heart with a little bag and everything.

It was my "please, get the hint because this is driving me nuts" attempt.

I gave it to him when a girl was with him.

I swear to you, she LOOKED like his little sister or cousin or something.

Turns out...it was his girlfriend.

*smacks forehead*

He introduces me.

"Well, you guys will surely enjoy the candy then!"

(What.A.Jackass!)

She didn't seem to care.

It was like nothing to her.

That's why it was so confusing.

I avoided Starbucks for like a week but my chai tea cravings were too much one day.

He was working. (Crap!)

"Hey Jenn! Thanks again for that candy! It was good!"

"Nooo problem. Soooo....did you have fun with your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?"

"Oh yeah, we just did family stuff and hung out."

I nodded.

And then said "Well, see ya!" and ran.

Lol

At least I did it right?

He was so cute and so nice and was always so freaking POSITIVE and I love people like that.

Anyways, here's the freaking poem.

*end memory*

"Quintessence"

Concentration

proves difficult

when your quintessence

is so apparent

I sense your presence,

look up

and there you are

Everytime

you smile

time stands still

The world around me

ceases to exist

and there is only

eyes locking

Yours and mine

I try to speak

but my lips remain silent

And you just walk by

never knowing how I feel inside

November 16, 2008

No One - a haiku

2010-06-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

I love you because

no one asks if I'm ok

as much as you do

Reading and Writing

2010-04-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to write every day.
When I'm not writing, I'm reading.
I highly recommend checking out www.thenervousbreakdown.com
Some of the best stuff I've ever read and I love incorporating it into my every day.

I also read Stephen King's "On Writing" and a lot of Bukowski.

Other writer friends have been writing a lot too so I've been reading their stuff

The creative bug is in the air, maybe?

It's probably a good time to want to be holed up in front of a computer screen or hunched over a notebook....scribbling out stuff....thinking it's all crap....

But anyways, yeah....now's a good time....it's going to be hot as hell soon.

I heard rumors of it getting in the 90s this weekend.

Curse you, Florida.

Ok, here's some new stuff I've been working on.

I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so bear with me.

"Sensory Overload: Sometimes it's Ok"

Is it bad that I’d like to say “take your inspiration and choke on it”?
I search and search with no avail
And I grow envious as I see you revel in it
Glorious words flow down on your pages like moonbeams from some great cosmic source
And I sit, staring
At black and white and grey
A nothingness I can’t escape from

"Blue Oyster Cult Morning"

It was a Blue Osyter Cult morning
headlines screamed of nonsense and suicides
everyone in the world was on the remedy
those pills your mother gave you really did do something this time

My room has no clocks because I don't want to know
how each moment keeps passing by so quickly
I'd have no lights too if I didn't like to read so much
those books that I've collected remind me that I'm alive

I used to be a breakfast person but now a cigarette replaces my first meal
for lunch I eat my own words and throw them up onto pages
my bathtub is my safe haven and Led Zeppelin, The Beatles and Jim Morrison accompany me
those guys knew there was magic beyond the way things really were

The stars come out to play and I hide from them
they remind me of the eyes I feel are always on me
watching me as I accomplish nothing and filling me with guilt
those who told me that dreams and hopes were wasteful might just be right

"Want"

I want you
to stop talking
to kiss the chapstick
off of my lips
to say what you really
mean and what you
really feel
for once
just once.

I want you
to quit doubting yourself
your looks
your hair
what you should do
what you shouldn't
and stop asking me
because I don't want
to admit that you're
wonderful.

.eye contact.

I caught you
stealing
a glance
that spelled
out eternity
and in one
.breath.
I fell
in love
and then
we both
looked
away
.unnoticed.
by everyone
else

"Girls"

Treacherous storms
That's what we are
Us girls
Us females
We fill our time
With needless pressures
We want our noses smaller
Our breasts bigger
Our skin darker
Our skin paler
Our hair straight
Our hair curly
Our voices heard

We give up comfort for style
We give up self respect for surgery
We knick ourselves shaving
We get high off of chemical hair dyes and perfumes
We get lost in fashion magazines
We curse our waistlines
We curse our flaws
We curse each other

But then we learn that guys just don't care about any of that
And it really doesn't seem fair

"The Fortune Teller"

The room was tight and cramped
Muskrats and earwax with a tint of incense
lingered in the air
She made me a cup of tea and wanted me to stay awhile
I saw no crystal ball yet she claimed to know the future
She said she saw it in the tea
Her hair was wavy
Her eyes were way too old
I wanted to know about dying
She didn't know the answer
I wanted to know about love
She looked the other way
"Your future"
she finally said while filling my cup again
"Will always lie in the questions you ask in the present."
She said nothing more until our teacups were empty
"That will be forty bucks, dear"
without missing a single beat

"Remember"

Remember that time
we walked around downtown
and stopped and looked over
the bridge
and the smell of roses was lingering
in the air
and then we got flashed
by that car full of rednecks
That girl's breasts were
just flopping in the wind
and we just stared
and called it
a night

"Dust"

this rose on my desk is dying
but it reminds me that I must keep living
without you
when all the petals fall
I'll collect them
and mail them to you
By the time they get there
they'll be dust
and you'll sweep that up too
and then empty it out
into the trash

It'll get better. And easier.

If I just believe.

Omg....Shoes

2010-04-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday.

I haven't had one of those days where I just sit and write about whatever's on my mind in awhile.

Today is one of those days.

I remember my old blogs.

I used to keep up with them.

They were full of randomness.

So, for today, bring on the random.

These days bring on the anything will suffice.

****

I got out of the house this week!

Not just like a quick trip to the BP for smokes or to McDonald's for a burger that I probably shouldn't be eating anyway.

My friend came and picked me up.

I'm going to leave his name out because he'll probably get mad at me.

So it was like 10:30 in the morning when all this went down.

I'm pretty nocturnal these days and the fact that I was up at that time and not just falling asleep at that time was pretty amazing.

The same for him.

He's a weirdo too.

I didn't believe him when he said he was on his way because anytime he's "on his way" it usually means at least an hour or so will go by before he arrives.

I just sat down to eat my bagel and cream cheese in peace and there he was.

"For real?" I was shocked.

"What? I said I was leaving in a minute."

So I scarfed down the bagel and we were on our way.

I had my "rock star in recovery" sunglasses on.

I've been using that way too much but it was so funny when the same friend said it that it stuck with me.

It was a few days earlier.

I had a bad migraine.

He came over to visit us and I was laying in bed with my sunglasses on.

"Do the lights bother you that much?" He asked.

"Yes." I tried to hide the fact that I was tired of being asked that question since I started doing this when my migraines got bad.

This was my first really bad "the lights are too bright" migraine I'd had since I'd been back in Florida so it was overwhelming too.

He giggled and said, "You look like a rock star in recovery."

I couldn't stop laughing about it.

It got my mind off of the migraine.

I am also easily amused.

****

"We're like mall walkers, dude." I said.

"What?" He was always so distracted. Either that or I mumble. Or he has a hearing problem.

"Mall walkers. We get up at 10 am and go to the mall for exercise."

I don't know what he said then.

We probably talked about a whole lot of nothing.

We usually do.

I texted my friend Meghan to see if she was working at Starbucks but she wasn't.

I mentioned in the text that I felt like a mall walker.

She responded with a series of mall walker jokes including how when we were older we should have a mall walker gang called The Devil's Walkers and pimp out our walkers or wheelchairs with skulls and wear headbands.

I laughed hysterically.

Easily amused.

****

"So what about these ones? Do these look good?"

He was asking me about shoes.

I love shoes.

But he was asking me about shoes for him.

"Yeah those are cool. But do you like them?"

This was often how things went with us.

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Where should we eat?"

"What do you want to eat?"

We spend way too much time talking about what we're going to do and deciding what we should do based on what the other person wants that it's a wonder we ever do anything.

Weirdos of a feather....

"I guess. What do you think?" He was impossible.

"Well, put them on and see how they feel and stuff."

He didn't seem like he wanted to do that.

He moves to another pair. "What about these?"

I'm starting to feel like a robot. "Yeah those are cool. But do you like them?"

"Girls are supposed to help with this stuff." He was getting aggravated.

Then it dawned on me.

Yes. Girls loved shoes.

Well, I loved shoes anyway.

But I loved shoes for me.

When you went shoe shopping with your girlfriends and they asked if a pair was cute you said yes because you wanted them for yourself.

You said no if they really weren't your style.

Shoe shopping was a selfish event.

I looked around and realized I had absolutely no interest in guy shoes whatsoever.

I'd never wear them so what did I care?

"Just put them on!"

I sat down on one of those little whatever they're called things in the aisles of shoe stores. The things with mirrors on the bottoms so you can see your shoes in them.

You know what I'm talking about.

So he did reluctantly.

See, I think that might also be a difference when it comes to shoe shopping with guys and shoe shopping with girls.

Girls want to try them on.

Who wants to end up buying a hideous pair of shoes or worse yet an uncomfortable and hideous pair of shoes?

(Slight discomfort is acceptable if the shoes are really cute.)

Guys just want to go into a store and pick something up and it will all work out ok.

I couldn't tell if they just didn't have patience for trying things on or were just too lazy to care about it.

Then I thought maybe guys are afraid to spend too much time on appearance because that might look uncool.

I remembered my boyfriend, Mike, telling me the night before, "I don't care about appearances."

But then when he went on a late night run to get some cigarettes he put his jeans on instead of going in his flannel pajama pants.

I pointed it out.

"I don't want people looking at me weird!" He exclaimed.

I repeated what he said earlier.

He didn't say anything.

I go out in penguin pajamas and Hello Kitty pajamas all the time.

It's no big deal to me.

But only to like the store or something and usually only late at night.

I'm weird about appearances.

I don't care really.

But if I'm going out somewhere or people might be coming over I try to make an effort.

Where is the line between "care" and "not caring"? And is there a difference between the sexes?

But I digress....

****

My friend settled on a pair of shoes which I actually thought were pretty cool looking.

Then we decided to hit up the book store.

I ran into my high school drama teacher, Mr. Sievert, there.

I love that guy.

He seemed depressed.

Every time I've run into him throughout the years he seems depressed.

He usuallly admits it too.

I recommended Brad Listi and Gabe Rotter to him.

The store didn't have either of the books though so I told him I got mine at Borders.

We had awkward conversation and I ended up taking off because I realized my friend was blowing up my phone and plus his wife was in the store and she's hated me since I was a student for some weird reason.

I guess she was like that with all female students.

So I find my friend and then we're in the parking lot smoking cigarettes and deciding where to go for food.

He started talking about when he was 18-19 and how having ten bucks in your pocket was like the best thing ever.

I mentioned how awesome things were back then.

When going to the mall was cool.

When you got out of the house every day.

We pretty much became self defeatists for about five minutes.

"My aunt says you shouldn't focus on who you were or what you once did," I said. "But you should concentrate on who you are now and what's in front of you."

"But is it bad to think about things?" he asked.

"No. But I think dwelling on the past is kind of useless ya know?"

"Let's go to A & W!" he said.

More good food that made you feel gross later.

But the thought of a root beer float amused me so I forgot about everything and happily agreed.

Stuck

2010-03-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

I had to go get blood drawn today.

Routine checkup on the kidney function, etc.

I hate having my blood drawn.

I hate needles.

It’s weird. My arms have been poked and prodded tons of times.

Blood here.

An IV there.

Every time I get the same foreboding feeling.

I’ve never looked either.

I’m thankful for any type of noise too because I’m so afraid of being able to hear my blood hit the tube.

It’s not so much the fear of needles though.

Maybe it’s just the fear of blood.

I remember when I was a kid and I passed out when I sliced my finger open with an Exacto knife.

I passed right out.

I used to tell the nurses and phlebotomists about my fear of needles.

“Just don’t let me look,” I’d say.

“Don’t like needles, huh?”

Why do people ask questions when they already know the answer?

Awkward laugh.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well, let’s see. Ahh….ducks. You like ducks?”

They always want to start talking about something with the hope that it will distract you.

I’m not making that up either.

A nurse actually started talking about ducks one time.

Their voices sound so funny too.

Like they’re struggling not to say the wrong thing.

Like they’re at a job interview.

Or a funeral.

The best times I ever got my blood drawn were during my hospital visits.

I was always on pain meds or some kind of sedative so I didn’t feel a thing.

One time a med student blew my vein completely though and that was awful.

The bruise it left was crazy.

My fear of needles started during childhood.

I used to cry every time I had to “get a shot” and would ask if needles would be on the doctor’s agenda for me.

I can remember my mom even lying to me about it one time.

It’s funny to be so afraid of something so small too.

I think about how a lot of our fears are of things that we’re way bigger than.

I’m talking about those little fears.

Cockroaches.

Snakes.

Etc.

But things like death and being alone….

Well, those are way bigger than us.

In my teens and early twenties I started to develop a fear of getting stuck.

It didn’t matter in what situation.

I just never wanted to be there.

Maybe all the needles in my life have all been metaphors.

So, the phlebotomist today was told about my needle fear.

“Just don’t let me look,” I say.

“Aww, there’s nothing to it. I don’t know when you last got blood drawn but they have tools now so that you don’t even feel it.”

“I had it back in May. And I had an IV last week.”

“Oh.”

“Sometimes I feel it, sometimes not. Depends on the person. I just don’t like looking at the blood.”

She says what they all say then.

“Well, you have good veins.”

I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not and I stopped saying “thank you” to that years ago.

I just turn my head because I know the inevitable is about to happen.

I feel the needle go in and then she laughs suddenly.

It’s one of those inopportune times.

I don’t want to look.

Maybe something is funny about my blood hitting the tube.

Maybe there’s a weird expression on my face.

Maybe a random funny line from a sitcom she watched last night just jumped into her head at that moment.

“I can always tell when they feel it,” she says.

“Oh yeah?” I ask.

“Yeah. The foot starts going.”

I look down to see my left foot swinging back and forth.

“Every time.”

I curse myself internally for letting the fear consume me and am relieved when she places the Band-Aid over my dot sized wound.

I don’t know how.

But I’ve survived it once again.

Gotta get back into the flow of things

2010-02-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I went an entire month with no blogs.

Just couldn't get into it like I hoped I would.

I do want to start posting poetry here.

So I think I'll do so now.

Here's a couple of older ones I'm pretty fond of:

Internal Epiphanies Often Appear on the Outside

Revelations in thrift store dresses
Secrets covered by boxed red tresses
Pay me in your compliments
And recognized accomplishments

Speak your volumes with your eyes
Hide the truth with little white lies
I listen carefully just so you know
And when time is up quietly I go

There's no room in here for you
My bed
My head
You've broken through

So read me like you read your books
And silence me with those cold hard looks
Through acceptance I've been set free
And no more talk of you and me

Until you surrender it will never be

You Think You Know

It's denial laced in silence
"Excuse me, what did you say?"

"Nothing."

Nothing.

Nothing to you means everything to me.

I didn't intend for it to mean so much, love.

I didn't intend to give so much....love.

Another successful self inflicted heartache.
And you're there asleep on the line.

Whisper softly so I'll hear.
Then deny the truth that's there.

I believe in what I see.
I have faith in you and me.

Switch the subject.
Laugh it off.

I hear the smile.
And the scoff.

You're right.
You're right.
I must have misunderstood.

Apologies exchanged, accepted.

.then move on.

"Darling, is everything alright?"

"I just called to make sure everything was alright"

And a new one for good measure:

I sat still and listened
I pictured you in the clouds
I remembered that one time I saw you smile
I imagined your hand in mine
I felt the pain you feel
And it became my own
Every breath I took was hard to take
My awareness of self I could not shake
Night soon fell
And the meteors spelled out your name
I knew if I opened my eyes I would lose you
You're always just out of reach
Come back and remind me
Save me from the waters
For I am drowning
Dawn rains down on my face
Brings me back down from floating in space
I miss you
I blinked too quickly
And you were gone

And as always....feel free to share....I love reading others' poetry as well.

Happy writing!

Is it really December?

2009-12-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

Man it's hot today.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit man!

I see the houses decorated, I catch a glimpse of a Christmas song, I hear about all the deals and "holiday specials" but it still just doesn't feel very Christmas-y.

It'll come though.

It always does.

****

Spent some time with friends and family recently.

Had a Rock Band party at Sherry's and it was a lot of fun.

I did a terrible impression of the lead singer of AC DC and had everyone dying with laughter.

It reminded me of the time I was impersonating the lead singer of Guns N Roses and singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to Nick.

I miss that dude.

Where the heck is he?

Meghan has been visiting a lot. And Lori and the Rossis and our new friend Chris.

He's a friend of David's but he moved just down the street from us so he comes and hangs out and usually brings beer.

Gotta love a friend with beer.

Went to Applebee's again with the gang.

Mariposa and Nicole from Starbucks were there.

I love those gals.

****

Oh so I saw New Moon.

I gotta tell you I was kinda disappointed.

I knew by the trailer that it wasn't going to be that great but I guess I just expected something different.

It's not even so much in the acting and how certain things were left out etc.

It just didn't LOOK right.

The makeup this round was terrible.

I thought my Cullens looked more human in the first movie.

And pictured them not looking as "dead" (or "undead"?) as they did in New Moon when I read the books.

The Volturi scene was pretty cool.

I can't wait for Eclipse.

They better not leave important background info out and they better make the Volturi more awesome.

Those are my rules.

:)

****

Do you ever feel disconnected?

Like, from everything?

I've been journaling about this a lot lately.

Feeling like I'm in some kind of snowglobe just that far away from the world outside of it.

I can still talk with people.

I just don't feel I connect like I used to.

I find it hard even to plug into myself.

I kinda feel like I just go through these motions day after day.

Get up.

Play Bejeweled.

Eat.

Shower.

Listen to music.

Maybe watch something.

Read.

Occasionally (wish I could do more) write something.

Sleep.

I'm not unhappy though.

I'm just kind of....here.

****

I'm reading Lolita right now and it's very very interesting.

It's disgusting.

But somehow you feel for the pedophile guy.

And also makes you wonder about that whole "age is nothing but a number" idea.

It's written in amazing prose. I love prose. I know....I know....

Sue me.

I mentioned it just because I typically enjoy prose-y books.

Anyway, it's a good book.

I kind of know where it might be going but it could turn out to be just one of those "diary of a madman" type of things where it's all in his head.

We'll see.

Oh, man I have to read the last two chapters of Robert's manuscript.

He's writing a novel.

Good luck to you, man.

:)

I dig it so far.

I think it could make a good movie.

Just gotta see how it ends.

So I guess today's a "get to the ending" kinda day.

Finish something you started.

Once you find the end of something you often find the beginning of something new.

Hmm....

I like that.

Thank you, thank you silence

2009-11-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Already.

It's blowing my mind that it feels like last Turkey Day was just yesterday.

Things have changed a lot since last year.

And that's ok.

Even when things change you can often look around and see how some things still remain the same.

I can think of a ton of things I'm thankful for.

The biggest being that I am still here to experience what every new days brings.

I am thankful for the people in my life.

I am thankful that no matter how far away you are or how long it's been since you've seen someone you can still pick up where you left off.

I am thankful for laughter and for those who make me laugh.

I am thankful for a place to sleep and food to eat.

For random phone calls from whoever on a bad day.

I am thankful for emails and letters reminding me to keep going.

I am thankful that people still get together in the name of friendship and grilled hamburgers and it's a good time no matter what's going on.

I am thankful that even though it seems like everyone's going through bad times there are still people helping each other out.

I am thankful for my family. I am happy I got to spend time in Michigan and Wisconsin with them.

I am thankful for being able to remember the good times and moments surrounding those who are no longer with us.

I am thankful for good music and good books.

I am thankful for understanding. Even though people may not be able to fully relate to my daily struggles, they still give me room to breathe and cope and still offer hands to hold and shoulders if I need to cry on them.

I am thankful that I have gotten a better grip on things and can move forward with everything instead of feeling like all is lost.

I am thankful for love.

So....what are you thankful for?

Let's Go Fly a Kite

2009-11-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

I've been having a lot of crazy dreams lately and when I wake up I can only remember bits and pieces of them. And they usually are the crazy parts. What's even stranger than that is that often times I will remember a snippet of the dreams when I see something in waking life like the next day and stop and stare and go "Woah."

I was with Meghan at the beach the other day.

We were filming for her film class and I think it will come out really nice.

On the way home I looked over and saw a red and blue kite flying somewhere in the distance.

I remembered a dream.

My friend Ryan and I flying kites.

But it was in a world where that was all there was to do.

Maybe some kind of weird heaven or something.

I think it would be cool to make a kite.

Maybe we can make it fly?

****

So last night I have these series of dreams and I know my Grandpa was in like all of them.

In one of them he had his legs again and we were at a bar.

The weird thing was he was already drunk and trying to act like he wasn't so someone would serve him another drink.

I just remember following him around and taking a sip of some whiskey drink when we finally got some and thinking it tasted really strong.

I think I've talked about this before.

But sometimes....because my vision gets weird either before or during seizures....I'm not sure if something I did see was real or a dream.

I did see the beach.

I saw the waves.

But I remember greens in places that green didn't belong.

****

The other night was the Leonid meteor shower and Mike and I saw some.

He said the next day he was pretty sure we saw 11 total.

I can only remember about 4 of them.

But it was cool.

Someday I'll get to an area where I can see a meteor shower that looks like that.

The Perseid one is coming up in December.

I hear it's supposed to be huge.

****

A lot of things are coming up.

New Moon premieres on Friday.

I'm not sure if I'm going to go see it that day or not.

It depends on people and plans and stuff.

Ryan once again said he'd come visit sometime this weekend.

Then the movie thing.

Then on one of these days Jackie is supposed to be making dinner.

That's in Clearwater.

Jackie is one of Mike and Billy's old co workers and she's really cool from what I've known of her online presence.

Ryland is supposed to be there too and another girl named Jessica that I saw in a video Mike made of him and a bunch of people drinking mixed drinks out of giant fish bowls.

Yes, it was funny.

****

I'm still coughing this cold out.

Sloowwwllly but surreellllyyy I think all the nastiness is dissipating.

I'm glad because it's starting to make me miserable.

Ok....no....it's continuing to make me miserable.

And I don't want to be anymore.

****

Bob Dylan is singing right now.

I'm drinking iced tea.

It's still too hot to be November.

I think Meghan is supposed to come over and take more photos.

I'm having writers block again.

I should write about hope.

People keep talking about it lately.

I think hope can quickly turn into expectations if we aren't careful.

I think we should focus more on gratitude and what we have right in front of us.

Or maybe it's just the question of what we have hope for....

We shouldn't hope for futures that might not exist....or is that pessimistic?

Maybe it's just....realistic?

I always get confused with those labels.

Maybe that's the whole point.

Let's not label for a whole day.

Let's just be.

Be what?

Whatever we want to be.

And let's be ok with that.

And in the meantime....send me some cool photos....

I need inspiration desperately.

Overexposure in Hudson, Florida

2009-11-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Get it? There's just not really any fear here. At least not that I'm feeling.

I had a mini epiphany in the shower. "I must blog," I said.

My mind was just drifting and I started thinking about the places I've been over the past few months. The people I've seen, the places I've crashed at, chilled for a bit. Whatever.

I was thinking about how free it felt to not really have a permanent home. I mean, I always have a place to stay....always. Whether it's here, in Michigan, hell even in Wisconsin and I bet other places that I might not have even visited yet. How sometimes, after all I've gone through, that I'm so overwhelmed with bullshit that I can't even see and appreciate how many homies I really have and how they're hooking me up.

As for overexposure?

I swear, there is something about Florida that's just something you've never experienced unless you've lived here. Especially in this, the Tampa Bay area. This place feels lazy. But not like in a bad way. It's more of a mellow, carefree "whatever" feeling. You're not really motivated to do much more than just sit back and relax when it's usually pretty sweltering outside. Things just don't grow like they do in other places I've been.

It's a place you don't want to get stuck in though. I think others will agree.

It's a cool place for me to have spent my teenage years and now my twenties. I don't feel like it's the place that I'm going to die in though. Ya know? I definitely don't want it to be. I feel the journey doesn't stop here....it's just that tag base you go back to every once in a while.

Ok, so seriously....overexposure.

I'm staying with Mike right now and he has a clear shower curtain in his bathroom.

I don't know if you've ever taken a shower with a clear curtain but it feels so open.

Like....if you close your eyes you might think for a minute that the whole world is watching you.

It's kind of awkward.

I don't know....but it's still like you don't want to ever leave the confines of that great open space.

The water keeps running and you're just like, "No. I am not getting out of this. I could stand here all day."

I thought about other showers I've been in. The different types of shampoos, soaps and conditioners I've used. Each little shower space has it's own identity.

It's own scrubbing away of certain things from certain situations in certain places.

I feel open in this town.

I feel like I can talk to pretty much anyone.

I feel like I can run into someone I know everywhere I go.

And it often does happen.

It's a place where people can be comfortable in laziness together.

But it's more of like a "I'm a free artist" lazy rather than a "I just don't do anything, I'm a couch potato" type of lazy.

Do you get what I mean?

People are creating things here. People are chasing dreams even if they have to leave here to do it.

I thought about how the season changes are good for my writing.

Here, you can get lost in the beach breeze no matter how far you are from its shores.

You can catch a whiff of it in the humid air if you breathe deep enough.

My writing in the north was very rigid.

It had some sort of order to it so that words would flow together right.

I would struggle for things to make sense.

Here, in Florida, words dance across notebook pages and they pair up with whatever word they choose whether it makes sense or not.

The cowgirl falls in love with the scuba diver.

Here my poetry is usually about lack of motivation or sunsets.

And boy are they beautiful here.

But yes.

For me Florida is the land of free and open and sometimes it's hard to deal with and it gets dramatic because no matter how hard you try to just be that laid back chill person, since you're so open your business tends to fly around like wild flames in this place. Then you lose it. Human ego still has the ability to fall into intense overemotions.

And that part sucks.

But it's not really a place of grudges.

People seem to get over things quicker here.

Somehow.

So more of the moment of clarity:

I was thinking about how Ryan called me a hobo because I roll my cigarettes now.

It's a little economic trick I picked up in Port Huron.

"Why?" I asked. "Because I'm poor?"

"Because you roll your own cigarettes....and you look like a hobo."

I laughed.

I don't know what a hobo is supposed to look like but I automatically pictured the typical, bundle attached to a stick over the shoulder, dirty patched up jacket hobo we see in pictures.

Maybe they have clown faces.

You know?

So....I thought about hobos, gypsys and then to my surprise I started to think about Jesus.

Seriously.

The Christ.

"Jesus could have been a hobo...."

Then it dawned on me.

Jesus....was a beach bum.

That's what Hudson was making me feel like.

A total beach bum.

And I thought it would be cool to truly live on the beach for like a year and BE a beach bum for real.

I pictured Jesus sitting on a beach.

Maybe a beach like Hudson beach who knows?

Talking to his friends.

His homies.

His peeps.

But he wasn't just conversing. He was connecting.

There is definitely a difference.

I'm sure you've all had this experience.

Those conversations that just suck you in and they're usually conversations you never forget.

Even if you never see the person you were talking with again you remember them.

So Jesus is talking with his friends and of course the subject of religion comes up.

Maybe more than that though.

Philosophy.

Poetry.

He started talking about what he felt was wrong.

What he felt was right.

And people listened and gave their similar opinions.

They all decide to rise up and then their leader is killed.

He was actually "raising up" the love frequency vibe.

It exists whether we choose to or not, think about it.

It's the one thing we humans never stop searching for and never stop seeing it even in the most mundane of situations.

I feel it's the reason we're here.

So, Jesus and his friends just roamed around the town.

Stayed with people.

Didn't even have permanent addresses.

Just wandering around talking about stuff.

Eating different foods, experiencing different types of personalities and cultures.

Sounds pretty cool huh?

Especially when you remove all of the technicalities and "things up for discussion or controversy".

So yeah.

Jennifer Neal: Pro Beach Bum

It's got a nice ring to it.

Today is Billy's birthday and people are supposed to come visit and chill.

It will be fun I'm sure.

Last night we had a bit of a Nintendo party and it was nice to see Robert and Carinna.

I hope Ryan's migraine is better today.

And I hope this crazy cold of mine doesn't last too much longer.

I am enjoying every day immensely though and it's all in the name of love and chill.

So have a Soothing Sunday today folks.

Hell, if you're in the Tampa Bay area, get off of your lazy beach bums and go to the beach.

;)

Peace out homies.

Colds suck

2009-11-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

You know what sucks MORE than that?

The fact that I just came from Michigan....I was around people who had colds and I didn't catch anything.

Then I somehow catch one either from the plane rides or from drastic climate change or whatever.

Is it really November?

Why am I wearing shorts?

*shakes head sadly*

Well, I'm back in the southern parts and haven't really done all that much nor have I really had time to let it all sink in due to coughing fits that sound like demons are trying to jump out of my chest and this feeling like my head is full of snot.

It's day 3 and it feels better than day 1 and 2 but it still SUCKS :(

My weak immune system always takes forever to get rid of what most people can shake in a day.

Fluids, (I've developed an addiction to apple juice), chicken soup, bananas and these "delicious chocolatey bars" (as Dave calls them) have been filling me up though.

I've been banned from my Grandpa's house lol

How crazy is that?

I understand though. The old man doesn't need to get sick from this crap after all the other crap he's been dealing with.

It's Thursday....that means tomorrow it better be all gone so people won't be afraid to come visit me. ;)

I wish I could say I've been doing something exciting but I really haven't.

I've read a little.

Today I feel like writing which is why I'm even blogging.

I've been listening to music.

Last night Mike and I had a New Found Glory singalong.

We showed Dave Josh Groban and it was crazy because Dave was listening to Edith Piaf and that's who Ken said I should check out.

He said to read her autobiography and that I reminded him of her.

So it was like a reminder from Dave to check her out.

I really want to watch Heavenly Creatures.

I miss my crazy girls.

I tried to find it to pack it in Michigan and it was GONE!!!

Who would do such a thing?

I don't know if it just got misplaced or taken accidentally or if someone watched it and didn't put it where I had it....blah blah blah

I'm sad though :(

It's my favorite movie ever.

Ok, so Florida friends....hopefully I see a good majority of you this weekend.

If not, there will be plenty of weekends I'm sure.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is coming up.

Woah.

Oh, and more importantly, New Moon is coming out on the 2oth.

Oh yeah.

Meghan says there's a midnight showing on the 19th..hmm....

we shall see.

I have to get my Twi-fans congregated or something.

Well, this is boring now.

I think I want another banana....

Gettin' all nostalgic

2009-11-04T01:57:00.000-08:00

Let's face it....

Every once in awhile you get the urge to look at some old photos....

listen to some music you haven't listened to in a long time....

check out old videos on your youtube account...whatever.

Your mind starts wandering back to the times, the places, the people that were at such and such an event in your lifetime.

You think about the loves, the hugs, the drugs.

The laughs, the haps and even the craps.

I'm a "mid-twenty year old".

What I can say so far about being a "mid-twenty year old" is that it seems to be the time in life when you transition between the "I just got out on my own" and "Man, it'd be nice to settle down somewhere."

The time when your friends become honorary family members if even for just a short while.

The time when it seems to be about community effort and "I'd go out but I'm broke" doesn't matter because you learn it's cheaper to party at home anyway. And someone's always "covering" you.

I was watching some old videos and some of them have people in them that I might not talk to anymore for whatever reason.

I don't look back on that and think anything other than "man, that was a good time."

I think that's what it's all about.

When you're in my position you can't do much more than try to have a good time wherever you're at.

I don't necessarily think you have to even be in my position to think that way.

I can remember living paycheck to paycheck....choosing between cigarettes or dinner....wondering what's next etc. etc.

But was I having a good time?

You betcha.

As we grow up we grow apart.

Whether it's miles, a dramatic event or different life choices and paths....

it happens to the best of friends.

But the one thing we can hold onto is our memories of the good times.

Is the party ever really over?

It doesn't have to be.

I don't think things like responsibilities should limit our abilities to stay connected to those we love and definitely not in our ability to enjoy life no matter what the case may be.

I don't think DISabilities should get in the way either.

Think about the last time you laughed.

Think about the last time you had fun.

Has it been awhile?

And why is that?

Do you hate your job? Do you hate where you live? Are you going to "achieve this" once you "get this"? Or "once this is over" or whatever?

What's wrong with right now?

If it's something you can change or fix why aren't you?

And if it's something you can't how are you handling it?

Truth be told: we all have shit to deal with.

For some, it's really stupid shit.

For others, it's big shit.

And yes sometimes we choose to deal with OTHER people's shit.

Well...shit....

Are you alive?

Are you doing what you want to do every single day and enjoying it?

If not....stop doing that which is making you unhappy.

Stop dealing with the shit that you don't have to.

We tend to put more on our plates than necessary.

We tend to let others dictate what's best for us and what we should do because as much as we like to say we don't....we do care what they think.

And we need to stop that.

At the end of the day, the only person you can truly make happy with whatever it is you're doing is you.

The only person you should ever really want to make happy is you.

If you keep trying and trying to change another's point of view or mood and it's not working then guess what?

Stop it.

Acceptance.

Accept that you can't change some things and focus on the things that you can.

Stop (and this is very important for me) feeling guilty for being happy.

Don't be afraid to stand up and say to anyone....I don't care who they are: "Hey man....I'm happy. Just let me be, ok?"

No, that is not too much to ask for.

If they're really worth it....they'll step aside.

More often than not, if they're not worth it, they'll stand in your way.

Your life as you know it right now may not always be that way.

Your life may be over sooner than you expect it to be.

If you think your life is awesome....keep it up.

If you think your life sucks....find ways to make it not suck.

Sounds simple.

But we all know it's not.

Be happy for what you have.

Be thankful for the little things that you might not even consider to be luxuries.

Know that EVERYTHING is a luxury.

EVERYTHING is something to be thankful for.

Because you never know when it might go away.

And we all know the "don't know what you got till it's gone" feeling....and it sucks.

So appreciate it.

Appreciate your life and the people in it.

Don't take ANYTHING for granted.

Have a good time.

Always.

And film it.

Because there's nothing like looking back someday and laughing your ass off.

At least that's my experience.

But mine is the only one that's going to matter in the end.

And yours is the only one that truly should matter to you.

And if we ever merged experiences or will in the future....

I'm sure it was and will be a good time....

That's how I want to remember it anyway.

I'm Pretty Proud of Myself

2009-11-02T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today, I did something pretty remarkable.

See, throughout life I've had this bad habit of blowing up and freaking out when things start to look like they may not work out.

Usually during these moments I end up saying something really stupid and having to apologize later for it.

I had a little test today.

And I only "half lost" it.

My mom and Grandpa kind of jumped the gun and booked Mike's ticket to fly here before considering how much a truck would be.

Turns out no one will rent one for less than a thousand bucks.

My Grandpa can't afford that right now so suggested that I fly back if I wanted to and that he would just get a moving truck next month to get my stuff back.

That was all fine and cool except I don't know how a plane ride is going to affect my seizures. I don't need to be freaking out or getting confused on a plane all alone.

So I wasn't sure how all of it was going to play out.

It was looking like the whole trip would get botched and I'd just have to wait longer.

Possibly even having to wait until after winter because it was going to be nerve wracking enough on Mike driving a truck that far. He's never done it before and he's never driven on ice or snow before so that would probably not have been the safest thing.

Well, I did freak out for a minute on my mother and things were brought up from the past when I was tripping out on Topamax.

All of what happened during that time is so unclear in my mind and like most families, there is drama in mine and I try to stay out of it but things tend to come up during tense moments.

Well....instead of flipping out further on my mom and causing a big hooplah I just calmed down, dried my eyes, and just focused on breathing and that everything would be ok.

No matter what happened everything would be ok.

An hour later my mother calls me and tells me that Mike and I are both going to fly out on Monday and then my Grandpa will get a moving truck to get my stuff later on.

I wanted to make sure it was cool with my aunt and uncle to leave my stuff there and was kind of worried that I hadn't cleared it first.

Well, I called Uncle Dennis and he said it was all ok and that Grandpa had already talked to them about it. Why my mother didn't just tell me that, I don't know haha But....it was just another one of those examples where things get all crazy and miscommunicated.

And instead of getting all crazy it all worked out.

My issue with everything during times like this is how I feel so useless and helpless at times.

I want to help and I want to make things right and not have to rely on others but in the past I have seriously hurt myself from pushing myself so hard.

I mean....I've been told by doctors to avoid the simplest things like bending.

I've popped cysts from overdoing it and the more I do that the bigger they will get.

So I just need to relax and know that people are helping me because they want to.

I'm not burdening anyone and just need to keep reminding myself of that.

My Uncle is constantly telling me: "Don't worry about the little shit. You have SO much more to be worried about."

And I try to listen and I try to take it all in and be cool.

And things always work out better.

So....I guess even though I did lose it a little bit I didn't go over the edge and I'm not sitting here feeling guilty for the situation I'm in.

That's seriously been the hardest part.

I used to just "get things done" ya know?

Do it all alone if I had to.

And now that I always need help and will pretty much need it for the rest of my life....it's taken some adjusting.

And I'm still adjusting.

And I won't lie.

As much as I want to be close to Mike, it will still be sad to leave everyone here.

I love my family and I love Mike and my friends in Florida too.

I wish there was a way to put everyone on the same block but life doesn't work that way.

I'm glad I came though.

And all I can do is hope I make it back someday.

And to keep in touch.

I think it's important and it's something that most people tend to forget about when someone moves away.

I got a call from my friend in Kentucky today.

As soon as I saw his name on the caller ID I was like "Woah...how did I forget about him?"

I guess he called a month ago during a seizure and was still waiting for my call back.

*sigh*

It's sad that I can't remember things like I used to.

But I will just have to set more alarms for myself lol

And write notes to myself and have others help me remember.

But the one thing I will never forget no matter what....is who loves me and who cares about me...and how much people have helped me get through all of this stuff.

I may not ever be able to repay them or thank them enough.

But just letting them know how much it all means to me is the best I can do.

So, we'll see what happens.

We'll see where life takes me next.

And if I just keep remembering to stay in the love....I'll make it just fine.

Life Sucks Without a Blog

2009-11-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

So, I used to have this blog.

And it used to be read by a few people and sometimes random strangers.

It wasn't really about anything really.

Just my view of the world and the events taking place around me.

It even had its own domain name and everything.

Well, it died.

A lot of what was in that blog died as well.

A new blogger was born so to speak.

I'm only 26....but I've dealt with and am still dealing with a lot of stuff that most people don't think about.

I think about things most people don't think about.

But I'm not that much different from you really.

We just have different dealings to deal with.

It may not look like it but I'm a pretty upbeat person.

I have this who realistic optimism thing going on most of the time.

Some days my blog posts may make you laugh.

Some days they might make your cry.

Most days though, they'll just make you go "What the fuck?!"

And maybe that's the point.

:)

How many times a day do you look around and say "What the fuck?!"

Maybe by reading this blog you may have one more thing to add to the WTF List.

But anyways....so yeah, I'm 26.

I was born in Detroit, MI.

I lived there until I was 13 then I moved to Springhill, FL with my family which consists of my my mother, my father, two sisters-Sherry (23) and Lisa (12) and a brother named Brian who just turned 16 on Friday.

I lived all around Florida.

The Tampa Bay area mostly and even a small stint in Orlando.

Life was going along alright.

I got to work in so many different jobs and meet so many interesting people and before I knew it I had a ton of friends and acquaintances.

I was writing for money.

I was dating different boys constantly.

I had a pretty cool social life and always managed to get out of rough spots somehow, some way.

A week after I turned 25, my life changed and pretty drastically.

Did you know there is a genetic disease out there that is the most common one and affects more people than Down Syndrome, cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia and few others I think combined?

And the weird thing about it is that not many people have heard of it.

It's called Polycystic Kidney Disease. PKD for short.

What happens is you get cysts on your kidneys and over time they can multiply and usually lead to end stage renal disease.

That means your kidneys stop working.

That means you have two options: go on Dialysis, which is basically a machine that does what your kidneys can't do for you anymore or get a new kidney.

Both of those things sound easy but I'm sure you don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that it's probably not fun....nor easy.

I was diagnosed with PKD when I was around 7. I was told I wouldn't have any issues until I was old like Grandpa. (He had a transplant back in '92 and is still kickin' to this day.)

That was probably the biggest lie I had ever been told.

I started having kidney infections pretty frequently starting at age 23 and then I had one a week after I turned 25 and the pain just didn't go away.

It took me a whole year but I finally got some answers from nephrologists (those are doctors who specialize in kidney diseases). PKD can cause pain due to cysts or just the fact that they enlarge your kidneys.

PKD was now in the driver seat.

My kidneys were just way too big for my tiny body.

And I also had high blood pressure and would need to start taking blood pressure medication.

I figured I could deal.

Then things just started to become harder and harder.

It took me about 3 months to recover completely from that kidney infection because it spread all over me.

I was getting tired.

I was constantly in pain.

I did my best to just keep on going.

Then on Christmas Day of last year I had a seizure.

After two extended hospital visits the doctors concluded that I had a condition known as migralepsy.

Seizures caused by migraine.

Did you know that a migraine is not a headache?

It's actually a neurological disorder that can mimic other things like schitzophrenia or even a stroke.

(Oh yeah...I had a minor stroke too....they aren't really sure when but it was found in January of this year.)

With my doctors help I made the decision to stop working and apply for disability.

My seizures were pretty controlled after the doctors put me on Topamax.

But then when I had another cyst infection that put me in even worse pain than I was then my seizures for whatever reason increased and became more violent.

The doctors upped my Topamax, from just 25 mg to 50 mg and I had a terrible reaction.

I didn't know what was going on for four days and did a lot of "not characteristic of me" things before realizing that it must be the drug.

The doctor ordered me to stop it immediately and then I suffered froom the withdrawals from it for the next week and a half.

My brain had to wire itself back together and I really didn't think I was going to make it.

If it weren't for some of my friends and especially Michael (more on him later) I think I would have died.

But I made it and since I had nowhere to go really since I literally lost everything, my Uncle Dennis and Aunt Donna moved me back to Michigan. Port Huron, actually....about 45 minutes from Detroit where I grew up.

So I've been here for about 4 months and it's been awesome to hang with my family and also to adjust to my new situation.

I deal with my migraines/seizures/kidney pain the best I can.

Most days are pretty good even if I do feel like a 62 year old.

I can't walk for very long....can't stand for too long without getting dizzy and am pretty weak and have trouble even bending just a little.

Some days are bad. Sometimes the migraines make me pretty loopy, kinda like I'm Alice in Wonderland. (Did you know that Lewis Carroll was thought to be a migraine sufferer? Believe me, it makes sense to me.) Sometimes I have kidney stones or just general cyst pain or hematuria which is blood in your urine.

Aside from all that though....I still feel like there is a twenty something female in here who likes to read, write, sing, be happy and do lots of things even if I am limited in what I can do now.

That's the whole purpose of this blog.

To let you know how I feel about things.

Because I can. ;)

My boyfriend, Michael, will be flying here from Hudson, Fl on November 5th and will be driving me back to Florida.

My Uncle Bob who lived in Florida with my Grandpa passed away suddenly and Grandpa offered me a place to stay.

As much as I love this state and the people in it....I don't want to waste another minute being away from Mike because he truly is the love of my life.

Mike and I went to the same high school and dated when we were 19-20.

Because we were both young and dumb it didn't last but lo and behold....my tripped out Topamaxed mind led me to his doorstep and he helped me through it and did so much for me I don't think there is another person in this world who would have done it.

Through all of that we got closer again. We had started hanging out again earlier that year and I always knew Mike was a good person and someone I could count on as a friend. Next thing I knew we realized we never really lost the love we had for each other and became a couple again.

It was hard.

I had to leave him right after I got him back because of circumstances.

But I'll be returning to the land of too much humidity for him.

Eventually he wants to move north and I'm sure we'll do it.

The economy is just bad and it's hard for people in any field to find jobs these days.

Mike does computer stuff.

Software stuff.

Please don't ask me to explain because I really coudln't.

But he's good at what he does and loves it.

And I support him in it even if I don't understand all of the jargon.

So, I'm excited.

My family here will get to meet the man of my dreams and I will be closer to him.

He really helps me out on my bad days because he seriously is the calmest person I've ever met in my life.

I'm a Gemini so I can be crazy and all over the place sometimes but Mike keeps me grounded.

Mike doesn't mind that I'm not the healthiest person alive and that I have a lot of limits.

He loves me for who I am and accepts that my situation is not the best and that it may get worse.

As we speak, my kidney function is at 100%. I am thankful for that every day.

I am not the only person in my family affected by PKD.

We all are on my mom's side really.

My little brother just had to start taking BP meds.

My mother's kidneys are already slightly declining in function and my sister Sherry has some cysts but no issues yet.

My Uncle Dave passed away from complications due to PKD.

My other two Uncles Bill and Bob passed away from heart attacks.

Heart disease is in my genes as well and PKD-ers have a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and brain aneurisms.

My Grandmother passed away from kidney failure due to Diabetes and her sister, my Great Aunt Ginger, passed away from a brain aneurism and she didn't have PKD.

The numbers do not look good for me....but who knows? I'm already a walking miracle I think.

My kidneys look awful and cause me issues but are still working awesomely.

I think that's pretty darn miraculous, don't you?

That's the weird thing with PKD.

Not everyone feels the same effects.

I'm the only one with it in my family who suffers from pain.

My Uncle Dave did before he had one of his removed but he passed shortly afterwards.

I hope the others don't ever have to feel pain.

It's not fun...not at all.

Since PKD is often inherited everyone with PKD has a 50/50 chance of passing it on to their offspring.

I have already decided that having children is not the best thing for me and I also wouldn't want to pass this on so that was something else I had to accept and deal with since I've always wanted children someday and have loved working with them.

But I'm lucky to just have had the experience of working with so many different age groups for like seven years.

(Ever have an entire summer full of 13 two year olds? Try it sometime. I don't know how I survived either, haha)

Alright, medical history aside.

I like to have fun.

I like to think.

I like to do what I want to do while I still have time here on this Earth.

I'm Native American.

I smoke cigarettes. (Yeah, I know.)

I occasionally drink. (Yeah, I know....)

And I also fully support legalizing marijuana especially for medical purposes.

When I smoke it I have less seizures, less pain and I actually eat like a normal person.

(My big kidneys cause a lot of nausea and most days it hurts to eat. I also get full very fast.)

So, argue it all you want....it's a plant and it's my favorite one.

Well, I think that was a pretty good introduction to my blog.

You'll see where it goes from here as will I.

Right now I'm sitting at my cousin Sharon's apartment in Romeo.

She lives here with her boyfriend Ronnie.

Sharon is playing Halo and Ronnie is on his laptop.

I've been here all week and this is what we've been doing and I gotta tell ya, it's been very awesome and relaxing considering that there was a lot going on over at my Uncle's place because of the funeral for my Uncle Bob and all the memorials planned.

The funeral was on my tribe's res in Wisconsin and it was awesome to visit there even if the circumstances weren't the best.

There will be a feast here in MI on the 7th so that will be like the last big get together before I leave for Florida.

It's going to be hard to say goodbye but I truly hope I will be moving back here soon. Mike wants to....it's just going to take time.

How was everyone's Halloween?

I just played Bejeweled Blitz and am drinking a few Bud Lights.

I was kind of sad because this was the first year it was Halloween and I really wasn't into it.

It used to be my favorite holiday.

Sheesh, maybe I really HAVE become a 62 year old! haha

Alright, I think I've typed enough.

Stay tuned for more random thoughts from Jenn-World.

I can be pretty intriguing sometimes.....I think so anyway.

Don't forget to set your clocks back!

P.S.- I also help raise money and raise awareness about PKD for the PKD Foundation. My family here in Michigan helped me raise over one thousand dollars for the Detroit Walk for PKD that happened last month. For more information please visit www.pkdcure.org